Montessori and obedience: These words do belong together! I want to help you understand the relationship between a strong will and obedience, and I’ve included some Montessori discipline tips, too.
When you hear “Montessori,” do you picture a slightly chaotic mess of children, wandering around, doing as they please? A little girl over here pouring water all over the floor, perhaps, or a little boy over there snipping the leaves off the classroom plant?
Maybe it’s just me, but I get the sense that Montessori education is often very misunderstood. People hear the words, “follow the child,” and they assume that means, “allow the child to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and also wait upon him hand and foot.”
Luckily for everyone involved, this is not what it means to follow the child! Obedience, that sometimes neglected and forgotten virtue, has an important place in the Montessori philosophy.
It’s also totally achievable.
Let’s take a look at what Maria Montessori has to say about obedience and how to get it.
Montessori and Obedience
“If we want to help life, the first condition of success is that we shall know the laws that govern it.” – Dr. Montessori
With Montessori philosophy, it’s super important to understand the laws of nature before we try to jump into any quick tricks and fixes.
I’m also going to break it to you now: there aren’t really any quick tricks and fixes. There are practical measures we can take, but it’s crucial to understand what’s really going on first.
What Maria Says
So first, when we say obedience, what exactly are we talking about?
Maria Montessori is pretty straightforward about this: obedience is “a teacher commanding the children what to do and the children obeying the command by realizing it.” (The Absorbent Mind, p. 383)
Are you thinking what I’m thinking, though? Sometimes kids just don’t do what you ask them to do. Where’s the magic, Maria?
The magic, as usual, lies in a very important distinction. Dr. Montessori tells us that we can think of obedience in two ways:
- We can think of obedience as wielded by the teacher who rules with an iron fist, commanding every action of her supposedly incapable students. The child in this situation has two options: totally give up developing her own will, or use her will to battle the teacher’s. Both are bad.
- Or, we can think of obedience as part of a natural development. When a child is given room to develop her own will, (and a little self-discipline to boot) she will learn to obey out of free choice and love.
That’s the one we want.
We don’t want blind-obedience, servitude, or closed-mindedness. Neither do we want rebellion or chaos. We want our next generation to have the discipline, will, and humility to recognize and follow the wisdom and leadership of others when needed.
The Three Levels of Obedience
Let’s dig a little deeper into the idea of obedience as part of natural development.
During the first years of life, a child creates and develops his mental organs. (It’s a lot like how he created and developed his physical organs in the womb.) “Both knowledge and will have to be created,” (The Absorbent Mind, p. 19) which means that at first, the child does not have a will.
This is called the first level of obedience. The child obeys his natural impulses, because he does not have the consciousness or will to obey his parents or caretakers.
If you’ve ever begged an infant to stop crying, you get this. He can’t. At least not until you take care of whatever the problem is.
“It is necessary, therefore, to establish first the material possibility to obey in relation to the development reached.” (The Absorbent Mind, p. 383)
In other words: the child needs to develop his will so that he can obey you.
As with all organs, mental and physical, they develop through exercise. For the first three years or so of life, the child creates and then exercises his will, and he gradually becomes more conscious of himself and his actions. So during this period, the child might obey you one day, and not the next. Practice makes perfect, it doesn’t start with perfect.
Little kids have to practice walking, until one day, they can walk perfectly, every time. It’s the same with obedience. We just have to allow them to practice.
The second level of obedience goes along with the next level of development. If the child is able to develop her will through practice, she is now able to obey you all the time. She is using her will to follow your will. This is awesome, and it’s what most of us consider the final goal.
But, Maria Montessori noticed an even higher, more beautiful level of obedience.
The third level of obedience goes along with an even further level of mental development. The child now also becomes conscious that you know and want what is best for him, and he decides that he wants that too. Before, the child might have obeyed you reluctantly, because he really did not want to clean up after himself. Now, though, he obeys you with eagerness. He wants to clean up after himself, because he knows that you know what is best for him.
Making it Happen
Now that we understand that obedience is part of the natural process of mental development, we can take a look at how to help that development.
Allow the Child to Practice Making Decisions
I mentioned above that the child uses his will to reach a desirable form of obedience. And he develops his will through practice.
Sounds very cool, but what does this “practice” look like?
- Give the child many opportunities to make a choice. For example, “You can drink milk or water with lunch.” “Which play clothes do you want to wear today?” “Do you want to play on the swings or on the slide?”
- Avoid making “better” decisions for the child after he has already chosen. You may think milk tastes better with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches than water does, but that really doesn’t matter. When the child starts to develop his will but then feels it being overridden, he will naturally resent this. He then either combats your will with his own, or lets his will weaken.
- Avoid swaying the child’s decision with your own preferences. See above.
- Implement consequences instead of punishments. Sometimes things have to happen a certain way. The child doesn’t get to choose whether or not she wants to put away her toys. DO NOT enter a battle of the wills, where either you loose or she does. Instead, calmly, and with authority, let her know that it looks like she doesn’t want to play with toys any more since she is not willing to pick them up. Now, the child is faced with a choice, and conveniently, obeying you is starting to look like the smarter of her two options. (Make sure to follow up with the consequences, too.)
See how that works? It takes time, but gradually the child strengthens his will and starts to obey you. Win win.
How about that third level though…
Go Above and Beyond With Love
The third level of obedience is really a matter of love. The child’s will and understanding play a part, but who would so willingly give their will over to someone they don’t love, and who doesn’t love them?
So love your children and your students. This doesn’t mean spoiling them or giving them whatever they want. It means giving them what is best for them, even at your own expense. It means being happy to see them. It means being patient with them. It means telling them you love them.
Your child will learn to love from you.
Don’t stress about your child getting to this third level. No one is perfect, and everyone needs time. But do believe that your children are capable of amazing things.
I’d love to hear from you! Share your tips, thoughts, or questions about obedience in the comments. I respond to each and every one!
Jean Marie
I have experience with that the children didn’t obey. one situation is the children are around two years, every thing you talk to them, they will say no no no. I give them choice, answer is no no no, I talk to them with calm and authority, still no no no, I give them the natural consequences, no no no too. In these cases, part of the reason is language and will didn’t develop to the level yet. As model and give enough time to them is important in this level. The other situation around this age is they look at me and smile and run away, and wait for my response, if I chase, they will start to play the chasing and running game with me. I didn’t chase, they will walk away and start to do whatever they want to do next just didn’t do the thing the teacher let they do. I still looking for the reason and solution for it now since most of them are not communicable. The other situation I have is similar than the previous one, but the age is above 3, some of them are 4,5,6. They totally understand what you are saying, but they will continue to do the thing that they are not allowing to do, when they do it, they will watch at you and smile. Obviously they are playing with us? Or some battles inside? The children are mysterious.
Thanks for sharing this, Orange. I agree completely that obedience is not easy to cultivate! And yes, when they are younger it is even more difficult. And I believe they are also testing their limits, looking to see what behavior is acceptable. This is apparent when they look at us and smile, as you noted. I had a 4-year-old student who used to run away often, and it was definitely a game. I started implementing a consequence that he had to sit in a chair for 4 minutes after he ran away. Then, when I would see him about to run, I would ask, “What happens when you run away?” and the running away became much less frequent. Sometimes when we think of natural consequences, we think it can only be something unavoidable. But consequences such as time away, or sitting in a chair, are effective, and can be explained naturally, e.g. “You may come back to class/get out of this chair when you are ready to listen.” I also like to model the appropriate response, especially for the younger students (2-3) and to let them practice it. I say, “Yes, Miss Jean!” with a big smile and then let them respond the same way. This can be very effective.
How is the sitting t
In the chair a consequence and not considered a punishment? (Not being smart hear really wanting to know the difference)
Thanks for your question, Rockelle! It is considered a consequence because if the child is not behaving appropriately then he cannot be take part in the class, or whatever setting he is in. So he needs to sit in a chair until he is ready to act appropriately. It is not a natural consequence, but it is a logical consequence. There is a very fine line between consequences and punishments, and sometimes a punishment can be used as a consequence, you just wouldn’t think of it as a natural consequence. Using the language of “consequence” can be helpful even in this situation, as it helps the child realize that the negative thing is happening as a result of their actions.
I hope this helps! Let me know if you have further questions. ~ Jean Marie
I just read a super helpful quote from The Discovery of the Child, by Maria Montessori. (Emphasis mine) “As far as punishments are concerned, we frequently found ourselves confronted with children who disturbed others, but who would not listen to our entreaties. We immediately had them examined by a physician, but very often they turned out to be normal. We then placed a little table in a corner of the room and there, isolating the child, we made him sit in an armchair where he could be seen by his companions and gave him all the objects he desires. This isolation always succeeded in calming the child. From his position he could see all of his companions and their way of acting was an object lesson in behavior more effective than words of his teacher could have been. Little by little he came to realize the advantages of being with the others and to desire to act as they did. In this way we imparted discipline to all the children who at first had seemed to us to be rebels.”
I’ve read it really carefully and i totally agree with it. I would like to share it with my folks by translating it in my language in my Facebook profile because I think it’s a very useful article (do i have the permission)?!
Thanks for sharing!
Regards!
Hi Edorela, Yes you may translate it into your language, provided you link to my original article. Thank you!
Hi
In relation to this…
“Instead, calmly, and with authority, let her know that it looks like she doesn’t want to play with toys any more since she is not willing to pick them up.”
Could you please go into more detail of what this looks like if the child is still not willing to pick them up?
Would it be best to model good behaviour by putting the toys away for them?
Or to remove the child from the play area? This could potentially cause a tantrum. And if so would it be best to sit and cuddle the child through the negative emotions? Except then the toys have still not been put away and the child has still not been removed from the play area.
Any advice would be helpful.
Thanks
Thanks for your question! This situation happened to me today, so I have a fresh example for you! After the child refused to help put his work away, I asked another child to help put it away. When the first child tried to use that material later in the day, I reminded him that he had to wait until tomorrow, when I would show him how to put it away. He listened this time, and chose something else to do. If he didn’t listen, I might have removed him from the classroom. I don’t typically cuddle children through tantrums, although I might sit near them.
I hope this helps! – Jean Marie